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Thursday, 12 June 2008

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Sunday, 27 May 2007

I Got... a Plant?

Storytime!

So...I don't usually like to tell stories like this one...frankly because it's even really almost too mushy for my taste...but it's just so darn cute that I have to tell it.

Soo...I get a call from Aaron while I was out in service. He told me that he got me a little something. Getting to know Aaron, I don't even try to speculate what it is, because his thinking is way beyond my shallow thoughts, and I'd rather just be surprised. So he told me that it was something small, but sentimental, and that I should go pick it up later.

Well...I went to go pick it up...and guess what - it's a plant. Yes, a geranium planted among ivy. So, I'm delighted yet perplexed at the same time. I called Aaron and told him "thank you" for the plant and that the only thing I had to think of was where I was going to be able to put it.

So later on that night, we finally got around to catching each other on the phone. We exchanged a few words, and, I was not happy with the way our conversation went.

Aaron called me back and we discussed my frustration with him. Within his explanation, he talked about the "meaning" behind the plant:

"You know, I was thinking - I know I didn't have to get you anything, but I wanted to get you a plant because, a plant only grows when you water it, take care of it, and cultivate it. That's like our love - it grows because we take care of it and we cultivate it. That's why I wanted to get that for you."

*sigh* Is that not storybook romance for ya or what, ladies and gents? It's so simple, yet so ...oh, I dunno - ridiculously head-over-heels cute. Normally, I wouldn't be all gushy about it...but I needed to blog it for my own personal recollection...

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

You’re Right Dorothy: We’re Not In High School Anymore

I think I understand the feeling of “wanting to belong” more than most. Growing up as a Jehovah’s Witness, being the only child, being one of the only Asians in either a predominantly white or predominantly black school, and growing up in an unconventional family environment has made me realize that no matter what I do, say, or wear, I will always be considered different. And my wanting to belong to a group, or at least be “accepted” by my peers was something that I struggled with day to day.

Even though I realized that I was different, and that it gave me for some ups and downs socially in school, as an adult, I’m better able to accept the differences in others and, in fact, embrace them. My life was never “in a box,” so who am I to think that other people and their lives should be?

What annoys me – in fact angers me - are the narrow-minded (adult) people who can’t seem to embrace those differences and, perhaps, quirks of others. Tell me, what makes you so extraordinarily great and important that you think that everyone and their grandma should be you? Yes, there are certain expectations we have of people, and certain things about people that we might consider “normal” or “abnormal,” but just because they’re different from you, you need to find things in order to tease or criticize them? You are you, and I am me. If you don’t like who I am or what I do, what I say…then you can kiss my butt, go to H***, and everything else that constitutes my anger towards your immaturity.

I try to understand people who are like that – they must have low self-esteem and need to belittle others to make themselves sound important, and that includes their not being able to let go of their own insecurities and to just be who they are. Maybe that IS who they are – jealous, insecure, and not the confident person they so desperately want to be. And as relaxed and laid back and laughable as I might be towards those who just can’t seem to be the twenty-something-year-old they are according to their birth certificate, it truly irks me that some people who aren’t capable of just, growing up.

(**Disclaimer: 8 times out of 10, this may be an overreaction to a situation that may have directly or indirectly affected/involved me. It is merely an observational reaction of the absurd characteristics that some people still manage to possess.**)

Tuesday, 02 January 2007

THE SHORT-END OF THE STICK...AND I

I try not to expect a lot from people, even though I subconsciously have high expectations of them…especially from particular family members and friends. But more so with friends. I feel as if I always put myself out on the line for my friends, you know, being an actual friend, and I get nothing in return. Granted, things should be done out of kindness and love and yes, “there is more happiness in giving than in receiving,” but why do I feel as if I’m the only one giving?

Take this scenario: You haven’t seen your friend in quite awhile because he’s been thousands of miles away. And this isn’t just any friend; he means a lot to you…you’ve been each other’s “go-to” person when situations go awry, and each other’s sounding and feedback board for anything else you might vent about. So when he tells you that he’s coming back in town and he wants to spend time with you, you try your hardest to make sure that you’ve got time planned out just for him. You’ve even gotten him a gift, wrote a heartfelt letter to him telling him how much you appreciate his friendship, and you’ve planned on making breakfast for him at some point (or just going out to eat). When he gets back home, he doesn’t even tell you that he’s in town, plans things with you, but doesn’t come through for you, or forgets to call you to let you know that the plans have changed, and he seems to be taking you for granted. Now you understand: you’re not “together,” and he does have other people in his life that want to see him too; and that’s all fine. But the fact that he fails to communicate with you just to let you know that there might be some difficulty in the plans that you had already made with him makes you think that there’s some unfairness. Also the fact that you seem to be coming through for him, or, keeping your word on what you’re going to do, while he isn’t – does that seem like it’s unfair? Who’s being the selfish person here? Even the time you spend with him isn’t the quality time that you thought you would be spending; no, rather it’s nothing you thought it would be.

Ugh. I just feel like I’m always getting the short-end of the stick. Even though I claim to be this strong person, able to handle whatever comes my way, I feel like I’m always there for everyone else, and no one’s there for when I need someone. I don’t think I’m asking for a lot…not even for anything monetary. But is asking for someone to be a good friend to me too much?

Monday, 09 October 2006

MY BIGGEST FEAR

When someone asks you, "what's your biggest fear in life?" What do you say?

In the midst of doing normal chores today, I started thinking about getting married and how I would be a "capable wife" and all...and all of a sudden, I started wondering, "what if I never find someone I want to marry?" Then that led to me thinking about my past relationships, and with the guys (well, one guy in particular) that I had thought were meant to be, but didn't end up being that. And I remembered all the feelings and the love that I had for him and how I haven't been able to feel anything like that for anyone ever since. Now I wonder, "am I ever going to love anyone like that again? Is anyone going to love me the way that he loved me?"

It's amazing to me because I feel (and not to toot my own horn here) that I have a pretty stable self-esteem level. I joke around about the things I'm good at, or at my attractiveness (or lack of), but I know that I'm capable of attracting other guys, and I'm aware of my mental capacity and all the other good qualities about me. I'm also aware of my own faults, which is a big reason why I stay humble. But the fact of the matter is, no matter how many guys I attract, it's hardly ever a mutual attraction. And even if there is the slightest interest on my part, it has never grown to the point of where I was in love with the guy.

A lot of that might be my own fault. I've been spending a lot of time on my own, which has been mostly a blessing, but can also prove to be a curse. I find it a blessing because it's really given me time to figure out who I am, where I'm going, and what goals I want to achieve in this little life. So I've turned down guys because I knew that they were in the way of me trying to figuring out all of those things. And yeah, that might be my fault for passing them up, but if you knew my record of guys, you'd understand why (haha). But it's a curse as well, because hey, I get lonely at times too. Even though I might not be alone, it's that feeling that there's probably no one thinking about me at 3am, or the fact that I don't get little surprises from my guy, or just, I don't have someone to call just to "say hi" to - I miss that. I miss all of that.

*sigh* I think I've been alone for far too long. And it's getting to me. I wish I could be the type of person who could choose to be single for the rest of her life...but honestly, I've had enough. I know that relationships have their share of things too...but man - I hate feeling like this. I probably should go pray about it.